The Beginning of the Panic!

The midwives and doctors take so much time to make sure you’re okay when you’re pregnant. They check blood pressures, oxygen levels, pain levels and they check in on each visit to make sure you’re coping mentally with the huge change that’s happening within your body. You’re growing another human inside of you, how incredibly badass is that. There is so much emphasis on being healthy whilst pregnant because a healthy mother means a healthy baby, apparently. So why does this stop almost instantly when you deliver your baby. Why are these checks only done for the time you are in hospital? Once you go home, you’re pretty much left to figure it all out on your own. I wasn’t even told about the ‘baby blues’ stage. My mother in law warned me about it but no professional did. Its only when I went to my postnatal appointment with baby that my mother in law asked them to talk to me about it as my mood was low. They explained that the baby blue stage shouldn’t last very long and if it goes on for longer than a week, its likely to be something more serious.

A week passed and I hated every minute of my new life. My C-Section was healing well but my goodness I have never been in so much pain. I couldn’t get in or out of bed without crying, I couldn’t bend down, I couldn’t sit on the toilet without screeching out in pain. I spent a week doing a night share with my partner but I had to stay downstairs as I couldn’t get in the bed. I was severely sleep deprived and in agony. I kept asking myself why I have done this to myself, what was wrong with my old life? I romanticised parts of my life that weren’t even there. I kept saying to my partner that we could have gone traveling, we could have gone on holiday for a few months instead of choosing to have a baby, yet these things weren’t even on our to do list in the first place and were never going to happen. I dreaded the nights, as soon as it started to get darker, I would feel an overwhelming sense of panic and anxiety because I knew the nights would be difficult and sleepless. I felt like I was the only person awake at that time and felt jealous of all of those people that got a restful night.

I wanted my life as I knew it, to end. I wanted my baby to be taken away and I wanted to escape every part of my new normal…

My partner forced me to seek help, without that I genuinely don’t think I would have found the strength to stay alive. I phoned my GP but I couldn’t get the words out without breaking down crying. I needed to be careful with what I said as I didn’t want to be hospitalised or have my baby taken away. I explained that I felt hopeless, I wasn’t connecting with my baby and I hated my new life. The doctor asked if I had any plans to harm myself, which I replied “no”. This wasn’t true but I couldn’t say it out loud. She was extremely sympathetic and understanding which made me feel less like a failure. I was prescribed medication to help with my new emotions but I soon realised these weren’t right for me, which made me feel even worse as I had put so much hope on the prospect of these making me feel better; now the weight of the world felt even heavier.

The health visitor came around roughly 2 weeks after Otto was born and I tried desperately to feel something other than empty but I couldn’t hide it. She had me do a Postnatal Depression test which I scored high for which actually made me feel validated in some ways as it wasn’t all in my head. On a side note, I have heard negative stories about health visitors but mine was actually lovely and understanding. The health visitor came every week to make sure I was coping and to help with advice etc which I was grateful for but nothing was actually changing the way I felt towards Otto…