My experience with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety
My name is Beth and I had a beautiful baby boy in January 2024. Unfortunately, my birth didn’t go to plan and I suffered from severe Postnatal Depression and Anxiety. This blog is to provide insight into my experience and hopefully reduce the stigma around mental health following a birth/traumatic birth.
I was told by countless different people that I will feel this overwhelming gush of love and adoration for my newborn baby once they are here. I didn’t have any of that, instead, I had regret, anxiety and hopelessness. I realised I had made a huge mistake and wanted to instantly run away. For the first few days, I was told that this is a normal feeling and its just baby blues. I was amazed that I was expected to look after a newborn straight after having a C-section and being unable to move my legs, I don’t know why I was amazed as I had prepared myself to be a mum for 9 months yet somehow this was the biggest shock to me!
I had my baby boy, Otto, at 7.41pm after spending 26 hours in labour and being induced. My birth plan went out of the window, I don’t know why we are asked what our birth plan preferences are when 99% of the time, it will never be followed. The birth eventually ended in a C-section after the midwives realised Otto was back to back and his heart rate was falling after each contraction. I got to 10cm dilated and was pushing for 1.5 hours before anyone realised he was back to back. I’m pretty sure all of this aided my postnatal depression because everything felt so out of my control and far beyond anything I had been warned about.
After 3-4 days at home, I had plans to run away, or cause serious harm to myself. I should say, I never had any feelings of harming my baby but I had thoughts that I would be totally ok if he passed away in his sleep. I know how awful and scary that sounds and I’m sorry if that has triggered you, but for us to overcome the stigma and judgements of PND, we have to talk openly and as candidly as possible. I dreaded the nights, I dreaded the days, I dreaded his cry, I dreaded feeding him, changing him, bathing him and taking him out. I refused anyone to come over for a while as I couldn’t handle it. I desperately needed to escape the new hell I was in, in any way possible…
